ok, I’ve not blogged for quite a while, and there are various reasons for this. I have debated long and hard with myself about whether or not to blog what is going on in my life right now, but have come to the conclusion that most of the people who have read this in the past have been good long-term friends on who’s support and prayers i can depend, regardless of how often we see each other.
For those of you who dont know me so well, a couple of things you need to know : I am very independant, often to the point of stubbornness, (as Alan can well testify), I hate admitting i am wrong (who doesn’t?), and I have a problem with admitting that i’m struggling (not sure whether this is a yorkshire thing, a protestant work ethic issue or a clergy one!)
At the moment I’m signed off work, have been for a month, and will continue to be so until after Easter. After several months of repetetive symptoms of various kinds i finally saw the doctor (another thing i’m not very good at), and she gave me a sick line and has got me on a mild antidepressant.
In this job, the stressors are many and the support is limited – i could whinge forever about work related stuff, but there is a time & a place to do that, and it is not here. I could also whinge about non-work stuff, but that wouldn’t help, and would hurt people i care deeply about.
Being on antidepressants, being labled as suffering from a depressive illness, is something I am struggling to get to grips with – feeling guilty for being off work especialy at this time of year, feeling useless, feeling like i’ve failed in some way: to be struggling in how or what i am doing has always seemed tantamount to failure. So I’m failing, if i use that logic.
But that is a logic i cannot afford to tie myself to anymore, it is damaging and completely unhelpful. and it is completely contrary to the Gospel. Being broken or wounded is tough, but God is here, this much i know. In the darkness, the confusion, the moodswings and the tears, God is present.